IF IT PLEASES YOU [gray only, please!]

[F I R E *]

>> I was running in circles;;

[/b][/font][/size]

xx.iiiI HURT MYSELF JUST TO FIND MY PURPOSE
TAKE MY HAND, LET'S GO -- SOMEWHERE WE CAN REST OUR SOULSsss.xx

[/color]

(( takes place a day after the training session ))

Criticism.

It was something he was familiar with by now. It was something he should've been used to by now. It was something that he took every day. It was something that hurt him every day, hearing it from his Clanmates, especially the well-respected ones. The only criticism he wanted to receive was constructive criticism, from his mentor, Bluestar. And yes, believe it or not, you're just some dumb kittypet is in no way constructive criticism.

He had been bothered by the criticism he received from his Clanmates ever since he first joined the Clan, whether it be from Longtail or some other cat. It was worse, getting it from experienced warriors. He couldn't be more grateful in the fact that Lionheart and Whitestorm were accepting of him; however, two cats wasn't going to make the whole Clan, especially since neither of them had a high position. And it wasn't helpful that he was receiving such condescending stares from Tigerclaw...

And now Bluestar, now that he told her of him.

Firepaw didn't have the heart to start the day this morning. He watched the sun as it slowly crept into the sky, spreading arms of rays out into the far distance. His head was on his paws, and he lay near the mouth of the apprentices' den. He didn't walk far from it. He didn't have the heart to.

He had had so many worries upon coming into the forest, and it seemed the longer he stayed, the more he got. The first was if cats were going to rip him to pieces or something. So far, so good; he had been surviving for the little time he had spent there, but how long would that last? However, that was nothing compared to the other worries he had -- fear of never being accepted amongst his own Clan (let alone other Clans), fear of the betrayal he predicted of Tigerclaw, fear for his leader knowing that she was in trouble and she hadn't a clue of it, fear for Ravenpaw because the poor apprentice was being hunted by his own mentor.

And of course, the last fear he didn't expect: fear of his own emotions.

He thought he was going crazy. And this wasn't just from the stress that was threatening to overwhelm him; no, it was also from another source. He thought he was going crazy... because of Graypaw, of all cats.

He didn't understand why he got the jitters when he was around Graypaw. He didn't have that sort of problem when he first met the fluffy gray apprentice. And for some reason, he felt woozy thinking about him -- something he didn't expect. Graypaw was just his best friend, and yet how could he be, if Firepaw was reacting this way toward him? He didn't trust himself to keep himself from turning into a mess in front of Graypaw. It wasn't like he hated Graypaw; he knew for sure this wasn't hate or suspicion, because he still would do anything for Graypaw.

He racked his brain trying to figure this out -- in fact, figure all these problems out. He felt sad and nervous.

'How am I going to deal with this?'

[/color]

(( POST IS BLAH BECAUSE IT IS RUSHED ))[/size][/color][/center]

xx.eeeEVERYTHING WAS SO WORTHLESS; I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS
I'M SCATTERED THROUGH THIS LIFE; IF THIS IS LIFE I SAY GOODBYEeee.xx

>> But to me you were perfect[/b][/font][/size][/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[{grayy !]

* don't let emotion stop you

What had gotten into Firepaw?

That was the question that refused to go away in Graypaw’s mind as he trotted through the forest, his long gray pelt well groomed as he followed behind Mousefur and Longtail. He’d been sent on the dawn patrol, after all he hadn’t been doing much around the camp and Lionheart had promised a training session, hopefully battle training, that afternoon. Usually, he wasn’t one to get caught up in problems, but this was one thing that wouldn’t leave his mind. The young ginger tom, all of a sudden it seemed, wasn’t acting the same, seeming too worried about something, and Ravenpaw didn’t seem to be helping much. Just thinking about it, both of the toms had gone weird in recent days.

Okay, he understood Ravenpaw didn’t like his mentor and thought he was a murderer, but why did he have to go and drag Firepaw, who was new to the forest into something much bigger than the black apprentice clearly realised? They were apprentices for StarClan’s sake and worrying was for the older warriors who were in charge of them as everyone else seemed to have forgotten. It didn’t help that even in their training session with Bluestar yesterday; Firepaw seemed on edge around him. Did he say or do something that had offended the young tom? Graypaw let out a soft sigh as the patrol moved into the camp.

Looking around, he spotted the ginger apprentice not far from the apprentices den entrance, seeming in his own world again. This was like Graypaw, to be so irritated by another cat or to get lost in thought, and he hated knowing it. Well, it was after their training session and now seemed just as good and any other to go and figure out what had changed his friend. Padding after the patrol, having to run a bit to catch up after his pause, he let them talk to Bluestar. After they’d finished, he quickly asked the leader if the two apprentices could go out on a hunt to practice. Getting permission, he turned and bounded loudly across the clearing.

Okay misery guts, I just asked Bluestar and she said we could go on a hunt together,” he meowed brightly, when within hearing distance of Firepaw. Giving a bright grin, he flicked his tail over Firepaw’s ears, trying not to act any differently to what he usually would after his explosion yesterday. Leaning closer, he twitched his whiskers slightly. ”Plus...” he added,shifting into a sitting position. ”I promised we’d talk about your worries today right?”

character: graypaw. words: 427.

[F I R E *]

>> I was running in circles;;

[/b][/font][/size]

xx.iiiI HURT MYSELF JUST TO FIND MY PURPOSE
TAKE MY HAND, LET'S GO -- SOMEWHERE WE CAN REST OUR SOULSsss.xx

[/color]

Firepaw could hear the bounding pawsteps of Graypaw, and he knew that the other apprentice would try to strike up a conversation. At this time, the ginger tom was having mixed feelings -- he felt glad that he was able to chat with his friend, but while at the same time he felt nervous. He had no idea what was going to happen -- what Graypaw thought of him...

"Okay misery guts," Graypaw meowed cheerfully as he approached Firepaw. "I just asked Bluestar and she said we could go on a hunt together."

'Want to bring us out of the camp, huh?'

As he felt Graypaw's tail brush up against his ears, he instantly stiffened. He didn't know why he stiffened -- just that he did. For some reason, the feel of Graypaw's tail made him react that way. He felt Graypaw's presence next to him, and as the gray cat leaned in closer to him, he felt his limbs turn to jelly. He felt strange with Graypaw's proximity -- it was only worse from the last time he came close to him, not better. He felt out of breath... he got up, moving a little bit away from Graypaw, trying to regain his wits about him, as Graypaw positioned himself in a sitting position.

'What is wrong with me?'

[/color] the orange tom thought despairingly. He couldn't even go close to his friend anymore. Great, just another thing to add to the long list of things that had the unfortunate occurrence of bothering Firepaw. He drew his tail around him, like as if to shield himself from Graypaw... to shield himself from the world.

"Plus... I promised we'd talk about your worries today, right?"[/color] came a question from Graypaw's maw that Firepaw had not been prepared for.

Was Graypaw...

worried about him?

He didn't recall Graypaw ever promising him that. For some reason Firepaw could pick up the undertones of some worry of his own. He didn't want to worry Graypaw, not over something he had to deal with himself.

He glanced at Graypaw, his eyes at first tracing the bold gray stripe going down Graypaw's back, and then his gaze was directed at Graypaw's glowing amber eyes. Such... such... beautiful eyes...

Did he just think that?

Did he, really?

Shaking his head free of thought, Firepaw replied, "Um... yeah, sure. But I thought you knew already what was concerning me..." You fool, he mentally chastised himself. He managed to make himself look like a jerk and look like a social moron in two sentences. Two. That had to be a new record.

(( eh... kinda sucks. XD ))[/size][/color][/center]

xx.eeeEVERYTHING WAS SO WORTHLESS; I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS
I'M SCATTERED THROUGH THIS LIFE; IF THIS IS LIFE I SAY GOODBYEeee.xx

>> But to me you were perfect[/b][/font][/size][/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[{grayy !]

* don't let emotion stop you

When Firepaw moved away from him, it was just enough for him to notice, and really, he couldn't stop the wave of annoyance that flooded through him. Frowning with a small growl, he wrapped his tail around his paws, slightly insulted. Why was it that his friend couldn't satnd being too close anymore? The wild was screwing with Firepaw's head and it wasn't helping them in any way, nor was it helping Firepaw become a warrior with so much to distract him. "Um... yeah, sure. But I thought you knew already what was concerning me..." Snorting, Graypaw climbed to his paws, giving his head a small shake. "Mate, I don't know half of what goes on in that mouse-sized brain of yours," he muttered, but quickly have his pelt a firece shake, with a small huff.

"Well, remind me then! C'mon, patrolling with Mosuefur and Longtail is hardly interesting." Not waiting for Firepaw's responce, if it was anything like his usual replies it wouldn't be worth it, he started toward the camp entrance, his tail flicking from side to side, mostly in irritation. Well, that hadn't gone as well as he'd hoped. He was hoping that Firepaw would be more energetic and fun today, but clearly, he'd fallen into a worse state. Maybe he was sick and needed to see Spottedleaf? Could Spottedleaf do anything to help a kittypet with a serious case of mousebrain? Moving up out of the hollow, he moved in a slow trail toward the RiverClan border. It was the best place for them to talk without being disturbed, and there would be plenty of prey to bring back.

Pausing as he bounded across the rocks, Graypaw looked back to see if Firepaw was actually following. he'd been caught up in what was so wrong with the apprentice that he'd forgotten that the ginger tom was meant to be coming with him. Sitting down, Graypaw let out a soft sigh, shakign his head slowly as he looked to Firepaw. "So come on then, remind me about what is causing you to lapse into these empty episodes! Frostpaw's about the only fun apprentice in the camp at the moment!" he meowed, trying to keep the air light, as otherwise all the conversations seemed to go downhill.

character: graypaw. words: 377.
staring song: leavin, jesse mccartney. end song: long division, deathcab for cutie.

[F I R E *]

>> I was running in circles;;

[/b][/font][/size]

xx.iiiI HURT MYSELF JUST TO FIND MY PURPOSE
TAKE MY HAND, LET'S GO -- SOMEWHERE WE CAN REST OUR SOULSsss.xx

[/color]

"Well, remind me then! C'mon, patrolling with Mousefur and Longtail is hardly interesting," came the voice of a slightly bitter Graypaw, and Firepaw could hear the hint of a growl coming from his throat. The ginger tom flinched like as if he had been struck -- had he done something wrong? He watched as Graypaw whipped around, starting off without even waiting for Firepaw, like as if Firepaw had nothing useful to say. Just thinking about it that way made Firepaw's chest throb in pain -- like as if he had a heavy heart, as he followed Graypaw slowly, his tail dragging on the ground.

His paws felt not like jelly, but like lead now as he followed the irritated apprentice. He could hardly walk -- he just felt so down. Was he ruining himself with all this worry? He wasn't concerned about that -- was he ruining his friendship with Graypaw because of all of this? He frowned, trying to concentrate energy into his legs as he trailed after the more eager of the two apprentices, ears flattened against his head as they approached the RiverClan border. He knew that that was the most secluded place, and yet it was crowded with quite a few morsels to capture. Yet he did not care about that. He... somehow felt he didn't care about anything.

Except Graypaw.

As he caught up, he caught wind to his ears as he heard Graypaw ask in a light tone as he took a seat, "So come on then. Remind me about what is causing you to lapse into these empty episodes! Frostpaw's about the only fun apprentice in the camp at the moment!"

[/color]

Firepaw's pelt bristled, his heart feeling stabbed.

'You want me to be fun? You prefer Frostpaw over me?'[/color]

He didn't know why he felt so terrible, just hearing Frostpaw's name. He didn't understand why he couldn't look Graypaw in the eye after the gray apprentice had said that. He didn't know why he couldn't speak, felt like he was choking. He didn't understand any of his feelings; they were feelings he had never had the pleasure of feeling before this very moment.

All he could do was interpret it into anger and anguish.

"I'm sorry I can't be fun," came the flame-colored tom's sharp meow, sharp explanation. He hated himself for speaking -- yet he could not stop now that he started. "I have other worries than whether or not I entertain you." The fur at the base of his tail bristled instinctively. "You don't understand... I thought you would."

Firepaw couldn't think through what he was going to say next. Somehow, his emotions just overrode his typical thinking-through-things, and he lost all control over what he was saying. The words tumbled out of his mouth as he said them: "Bluestar won't listen to me -- about Tigerclaw, the cat who I know killed Redtail and is now threatening Ravenpaw, one of my friends. Let's also not forget there's a bunch of bordering Clans here that could tear us apart -- I watch out for them, knowing ShadowClan is becoming more and more vicious. Let's also not forget the fact that I'm a kittypet," he didn't even realize that at this moment he was approaching Graypaw with a threatening stance, "and you know as well as I do that kittypets aren't exactly gods or goddesses among ThunderClan."

He closed his mouth shut. He said that in a very calm way -- because those things, although they were bothering him, had no emotional tie. It seemed mechanical to say them all, and he felt no better confiding them to Graypaw. His head was a torrent of emotion, the largest two he couldn't identify, and were directed toward Graypaw. He wished he knew how to control everything, to just squash everything in there. He didn't know how other cats managed to censor their thoughts so easily, to send them to a place outside of the happy place, without so much as batting an eyelash.

"I'm..." his voice was quiet, his whiskers quivering with emotion. He only managed a squeak -- he tried to contain everything else in, and he was starting to tremble. "I'm scared."[/size][/center]

xx.eeeEVERYTHING WAS SO WORTHLESS; I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS
I'M SCATTERED THROUGH THIS LIFE; IF THIS IS LIFE I SAY GOODBYEeee.xx

>> But to me you were perfect[/b][/font][/size][/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[{grayy !]

* don't let emotion stop you

"I'm sorry I can't be fun, I have other worries than whether or not I entertain you. You don't understand... I thought you would." Graypaw couldn’t help but let his fur bristle, his whole body tense, his amber eyes flaming. Did he really think that it was all that got on the gray tom’s mind? ”And you think that’s all I care about? You’re my friend but I can’t even try to be one in return when I don’t understand what goes on inside your head!” "Bluestar won't listen to me -- about Tigerclaw, the cat who I know killed Redtail and is now threatening Ravenpaw, one of my friends. Let's also not forget there's a bunch of bordering Clans here that could tear us apart -- I watch out for them, knowing ShadowClan is becoming more and more vicious. Let's also not forget the fact that I'm a kittypet, and you know as well as I do that kittypets aren't exactly gods or goddesses among ThunderClan."

The gray tom let a sharp growl rippled from the back of his throat, his tail flicking from side to side as he remained still. “This is the problem Firepaw! You’ve come to the forest to be a warrior, to live in the forest with ThunderClan, with me! Then you go and get yourself involved in something that’s bigger than the clan itself that we, as apprentices shouldn’t even be involved in! What did you honestly expect, going to talk to Bluestar about one of her warriors when you’re only new to the clan and don’t know the way things work fully? Ravenpaw is my friend too you’re forgetting! I’ve been playing with him since we were kits in the nursery, but I don’t let myself go into spells of worry that distract anyone from their clan tasks!” He couldn’t help but keep his voice at a rather loud level, even if it was carefully kept to a volume that no one passing by would hear.

Firepaw was fueling his anger and annoyance, and it seemed impossible to split out everything he was thinking to the ginger tom. They didn’t think on the same level they were so different in that many ways it wasn’t funny at all. Graypaw snorted, and looked away. "I'm... I'm scared." Graypaw lashed his head around to face Firepaw, his amber eyes gleaming like fire against his dark gray fur. ”Yeah? Well so am I.” He meowed in a low voice, narrowing his eyes and looking to the side. He knew he felt Firepaw’s distress and worry, that his friend’s depression and upset hurt him too, and he felt so sorry for the past kittypet, but he couldn’t say that out loud, he couldn’t shape it into words. It didn’t help that every time he tried to offer some comfort to the ginger tom he was pushed away. Graypaw just didn’t understand the same things Firepaw did. Firepaw had the advantage of just coming to the clan, seeing it as an outsider without pure knowledge of the clan, of the history itself and seeing things fresh without family and friend ties, but he didn’t, things Firepaw saw, Graypaw just couldn’t…

character: graypaw. words: 532.

[F I R E *]

>> I was running in circles;;

[/b][/font][/size]

xx.iiiI HURT MYSELF JUST TO FIND MY PURPOSE
TAKE MY HAND, LET'S GO -- SOMEWHERE WE CAN REST OUR SOULSsss.xx

[/color]

"And you think that's all I care about? You're my friend but I can't even try to be one in return when I don't understand what goes on inside your head!"

He could at least pretend he cared. He could at least act like that he was genuinely concerned about Firepaw. That would be a start.

"This is the problem, Firepaw! You've come to the forest to be a warrior -- to live in the forest with ThunderClan -- with me!"

[/color]

With me. If Firepaw had been in a better state of mind, he would have noticed his heart rate increase when Graypaw said that. But he didn't. His mind was in a whirl; his heart was the last of his worries.

"Then you go and get yourself involved in something that's bigger than the Clan itself, that we, as apprentices, shouldn't even be involved in!"[/color]

There he went again. Talking about how this was a warrior's job. This was something only for the leader and deputy to worry about. But this was a Clan that he lived in -- he cared for his Clanmates, especially for his leader and deputy. He didn't want anyone to get hurt. So why didn't Graypaw understand? This concerned the whole Clan, not just some little cluster of cats!

"What did you honestly expect, going to talk to Bluestar about one of her warriors when you're only new to the Clan and don't know the way things work fully?"[/color]

Yes, maybe he had been expecting too much. But Bluestar was sane. Bluestar chose him to go into the forest, among all the other kittypets that existed around. She had listened to him before; was he so stupid and naive to believe that she trusted him?

"Ravenpaw is my friend, too -- you're forgetting! I've been playing with him since we were kits in the nursery, but I don't let myself go into spells of worry that distract anyone from their Clan tasks!"

He couldn't possibly be relating himself to Firepaw. No. Way. Graypaw was completely different from Firepaw in many ways. It wasn't like he could help that he was worrying. If Graypaw didn't have the capacity to worry, then why did he assume he had the capacity to understand what Firepaw was going through? Why did he assume that Firepaw could control all of this, that he could just squash down this suspicion, this terror, this forboding? Didn't he understand? Firepaw would get rid of all of this if he could. He wanted to be a regular warrior, a normal apprentice -- to not care about all of this stuff, like Graypaw. Why couldn't he see this? Why did he automatically assume that Firepaw wanted to make everything difficult?

"Yeah? Well, so am I."[/color]

Graypaw really blew it that time. The sarcasm wasn't necessary. Firepaw practically exploded; it was fortunate his voice was naturally quiet so his yowling wasn't easy to hear.

That way, no other Clans could hear him scream.

"Why? Why do you do this to me?" Firepaw asked, no, demanded, his voice hoarse, yet growing in strength. "Why do you assume I want all of this? Why do you assume I just ask cats to be suspicious, cats to make fun of me, cats to constantly breathe down my neck?" His hackles started to rise, and he started to growl lowly. "Do you think I like the feeling of being trapped, of having no escape, of my whole home being threatened by an inner force? Do you think it's pleasurable for me, to feel like death is hanging in the air? Do you think it's fun for me to feel like I'm choking?"

He felt all of those things. He needed to let Graypaw know he felt those things. His emotions were showing through -- he was spilling them all over the ground, knowing that he would probably be yelled at for them later by Graypaw. He didn't care anymore.

It hurt, so much. It hurt, knowing Graypaw just couldn't understand. He needed him to understand. Him, of all cats. The only one who had been listening to him, who had respected him, who had welcomed him from the start -- he needed Graypaw. And the gray cat was refusing to be there for him -- instead, he was yowling at him for his feelings, and he couldn't stand it whatsoever. His feelings weren't to be toyed with; they weren't things that he could control; they weren't pleasurable. He willed Graypaw to stop. making. assumptions.

He did not relate to Graypaw.

His heart felt so sore that he had to lie down and curl up, to try to shield himself -- it hurt so much.

"Don't-- Don't relate yourself to me," he hissed, his ears flattened against his head. He managed to flatten his unruly fur, but he knew it was going to just pop back up again, so he decided not to try to lick it down. "I'm not you. I'm not like you. I clearly don't think like you. I wish I could always have my head in the clouds like you, Graypaw. I wish StarClan didn't choose me to suffer from these constant worries. But we both know it's not going to happen."

'Which is why I need you... You are my light. Why can't you see that?'[/color]

Why couldn't he see that Firepaw did not want to suffer? He just wanted Graypaw to understand. He just wanted to make things right.

"You may not be concerned for Ravenpaw, or maybe you're able to conceal it. But I can't do the amazing thing of hiding my emotions, my worry... covering it up with lies. And I can't prevent worry. I can't!"

'That's why I need you here... to reassure me that even with all my worries, you'll be here for me... But you won't say that.'[/color]

Why wouldn't he say it?

Why did he spawn this nonsense about it being only warriors' duty instead?

"If it's a warrior's business," Firepaw growled, his voice rising in volume as he continued, "then why is it that nobody's paying attention? If it's a warrior's business, then why isn't anyone trying to figure out a solution?" Suddenly, he lifted to his paws, eyes blazing, and he met Graypaw's amber eyes, his eyes intensely gazing into them with anger... and sorrow. "If it's a warrior's business, why doesn't anyone listen to Ravenpaw, who's an apprentice -- someone the warriors should be worried about? If it's a warrior's business, why do only I care!? If it's a warrior's business, why don't cats listen to me, so the warriors can look into it!? If it's a warrior's business, why won't anyone support me or help me!?"

He was practically hyperventilating. He wasn't about to calm down.

"If it's a warrior's business, taking place in a Clan chock full of warriors, then why..."

His voice slowed. It quieted. His gaze wavered, previously blazing, now looking defeated, washed away, and... just quitting. He gave up. He didn't want to argue anymore, not about this...

"... why, can you explain to me..."

Could Graypaw explain to him? Was he even listening to him, anymore?

"... do I feel so... so..."

Why did he have emotions?

He cursed emotions.

Why was he given them?

His head turned to the ground. He could no longer look at Graypaw. He could only watch the grass sway in the breeze.

"... so... alone...?"

(( I had been planning this post ever since I started this topic. ^_^ ))[/color][/size][/center]

xx.eeeEVERYTHING WAS SO WORTHLESS; I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS
I'M SCATTERED THROUGH THIS LIFE; IF THIS IS LIFE I SAY GOODBYEeee.xx

>> But to me you were perfect[/b][/font][/size][/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[{grayy !]

* don't let emotion stop you

"Why? Why do you do this to me? Why do you assume I want all of this? Why do you assume I just ask cats to be suspicious, cats to make fun of me, cats to constantly breathe down my neck? Do you think I like the feeling of being trapped, of having no escape, of my whole home being threatened by an inner force? Do you think it's pleasurable for me, to feel like death is hanging in the air? Do you think it's fun for me to feel like I'm choking?" Graypaw couldn’t help but draw back his lip in a snarl, his long gray pelt bristling so much he felt like he’d just explode into a million spikes in the nearby area. Finally, finally it seemed like his dry, ignorant attitude had gotten through to the tom. Firepaw had needed to understand that he didn’t see things clearly.

He didn’t know what to expect or what to assume when it came to a kittypet coming into the forest. Warriors were meant to have forest blood! That was what he was always taught by Willowpelt and Patchpelt but he stuck by Firepaw when he joined the clan didn’t he? From the little he heard and talked about he tried to understand but without Firepaw explaining things in black and white, like this, he just couldn’t. "Don't-- Don't relate yourself to me, I'm not you. I'm not like you. I clearly don't think like you. I wish I could always have my head in the clouds like you, Graypaw. I wish StarClan didn't choose me to suffer from these constant worries. But we both know it's not going to happen." Why would he even try? Graypaw knew they were nothing alike, they were from two different worlds, yet Firepaw had somehow managed to get past that barrier and become his best friend.

"You may not be concerned for Ravenpaw, or maybe you're able to conceal it. But I can't do the amazing thing of hiding my emotions, my worry... covering it up with lies. And I can't prevent worry. I can't!" No, he couldn’t. That was his kittypet blood coming out, inside, it was his mind, trying to adjust to how different things were out there, so much stuff he’d seen and heard and become involved in that while other cats could just turn a blind eye, this ginger tom couldn’t. No, he had to worry and get involved. "If it's a warrior's business, then why is it that nobody's paying attention? If it's a warrior's business, then why isn't anyone trying to figure out a solution? If it's a warrior's business, why doesn't anyone listen to Ravenpaw, who's an apprentice -- someone the warriors should be worried about? If it's a warrior's business, why do only I care!? If it's a warrior's business, why don't cats listen to me, so the warriors can look into it!? If it's a warrior's business, why won't anyone support me or help me!? If it's a warrior's business, taking place in a Clan chock full of warriors, then why... why, can you explain to me... do I feel so... so… so... alone...?"

All the anger that had built up inside Graypaw suddenly seemed to leak out into the stone below his paws as he looked at Firepaw. Finally, he understood what was wrong with Firepaw. Finally, the ginger apprentice seemed to make some sense and put it into words that Graypaw understood. The gray tom let out a deep, grumbling sigh that shook his whole body before he gave his pelt a fierce shake, every fur on his pelt settling down again his frame once again. Moving forward, he touched his nose lightly to Firepaw’s before sitting down next to him, his amber eyes now only smoldering, holding the last bits of heat from his anger. ”You stupid furball.” he mewed in a deep voice, but his tone didn’t show any signs of anger or hatred, only understanding.

Giving his head another light shake, he nudged Firepaw’s side. ”No wonder you’ve been so uptight, with that much junk in your head. I don’t assume anything Firepaw; I don’t know what to even start guessing.” Shifting slightly, he looked straight ahead, his whole body still apart from his twitching tail. ”You’re right, we are nothing alike, but has that ever stopped us getting along? I’m concerned about Ravenpaw, sure, but going and accusing a cat without much evidence doesn’t help at all.” slowly, he drew his tongue over his chest a few times, before turning his amber gaze to Firepaw. ”You see things differently to the rest of us. To us, the clan is how it’s always been, with friends and families, and whenever treachery is involved we’re forced to take sides, even in family histories, we take sides. You see everything anew, you can see things we can’t and look at it in a more level way than us.”

Drawing his tongue over his lips, Graypaw paused for a moment. ”I’m a stupid furball too, what’s why I need to have all this junk explained to me in black and white like this, but you’re right and as long as you need it, I’ll always be here fighting by your side, as long as you don’t go all moody and twitchy whenever I’m within touching distance.” His amber eyes were glowing with warmth as he nudged Firepaw lightly against the shoulder. He couldn’t explain everything that went on within his own head, but from what he could tell, that was all Firepaw needed to know.

character: graypaw. words: 935.

[F I R E *]

>> I was running in circles;;

[/b][/font][/size]

xx.iiiI HURT MYSELF JUST TO FIND MY PURPOSE
TAKE MY HAND, LET'S GO -- SOMEWHERE WE CAN REST OUR SOULSsss.xx

[/color]

Firepaw had to admit it; when Graypaw touched his nose to his flank, it took him so much by surprise that he nearly jumped. His heart rate quickened once again, but this time he noticed it, seeing as how he calmed down. He heard the sound of grass moving next to him, and he assumed that Graypaw had sat down -- however, Firepaw was not settled by this thought. He suddenly felt even more jittery and nervous than he had ever felt nearby Graypaw. He also had to admit the gray tom's words took him by surprise.

"You stupid furball."

The words would ordinarily offend him, but he could hear no anger. He sat down, deciding to listen, wondering why his heart wouldn't calm down. It was distracting from him listening to Graypaw.

"No wonder you've been so uptight with that much junk in your head. I don't assume anything, Firepaw; I don't know what to even start guessing. You're right, we are nothing alike; but has that ever stopped us from getting along?"

It was true; this is the first time they ever had an argument, and it seemed resolved now. They got along very well, more than even Longtail and Tigerclaw. Firepaw wondered why he felt like using that as boasting material.

"I'm concerned about Ravenpaw, but going and accusing a cat without much evidence doesn't help at all."

[/color]

'Without evidence?

'You can clearly see the frightened way he looks at Tigerclaw, and also what Ravenpaw said...

'Cats could call me a fool for trusting in Ravenpaw. Maybe I am one. But he gives an air of utmost sincerity.'

It was true. He put a lot of faith into Ravenpaw, faith that cats usually don't put into strangers. He had faith in him.

He also had faith in Graypaw.

"You see things differently than the rest of us. To us, the Clan is how it's always been, with friends and families, and whenever treachery is involved we're forced to take sides -- even in family histories we take sides. You see everything anew -- you can see things we can't and look at it in a more level way than us."[/color]

Firepaw didn't have the heart to admit he took sides, as well. In this fight for justice, he was on Ravenpaw's.

However, he did not have ill will for Tigerclaw, no matter how much he would badtalk him. Tigerclaw was a loyal warrior, and no one deserved something so harsh, even after murdering cats he supposedly murdered. Perhaps it was this that Graypaw was referring to -- his compassion and level head that existed outside of the Clan.

"I'm a stupid furball, too; that's why I need to have all this junk explained to me in black and white like this -- but you're right and as long as you need it, I'll always be here fighting by your side,"[/color] to this Firepaw gasped, taken aback as he felt his heart rate quicken even further, "as long as you don't go all moody and twitchy whenever I'm within touching distance."[/color] As he felt Graypaw nudge him, it was all he could do not to just leap up. It took all his willpower to stay still, as his mind raced. It was even worse this time, now that he was calmer and he felt Graypaw understood him, than it was last time.

The truth was, with the "moody and twitchy" thing -- Firepaw didn't understand himself. He didn't understand why, whenever he felt Graypaw near him, he felt so nervous. However, the nervous feeling wasn't the same as the nervous feeling he had whenever an enemy approached him. It somehow felt pleasant, in a dysfunctional way. It was as if... as if he was enjoying Graypaw's presence. He knew he enjoyed talking to Graypaw and being his friend, but for some reason he craved Graypaw to be near him. This nervous feeling was different than the feeling he would have around an enemy -- and it was also different from the feelings he felt when he was around Ravenpaw or Frostpaw.

He couldn't figure it out. Why did he feel this way? Was there something about himself that he did not know? The thought frightened him. Being isolated from himself was something he wasn't looking forward to finding out -- the feeling of it. Not knowing himself was like not knowing what you believed in. And that was pretty scary, because... what did he believe in?

He knew he had to ask. And who better to ask than Graypaw? He had the issues with him, after all...

"... Well, actually, there's a reason why I act that way around you," he began. "I, uh, don't know what it is, though..." He took a deep, shaky breath. Somehow, he felt weird telling Graypaw this. Something in his gut told him he shouldn't be saying this -- however, he had an overwhelming desire to know what was going on. "I get... nervous and jittery around you... But it's not the kind of nervousness I have around, say, an enemy. It's... pleasant. I don't know how to describe it..." 'I feel foolish.'[/color] "And, uh... as far as I know, I only feel that way around you, no one else... I think.

"I-Is something wrong with me?"[/size][/center]

xx.eeeEVERYTHING WAS SO WORTHLESS; I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS
I'M SCATTERED THROUGH THIS LIFE; IF THIS IS LIFE I SAY GOODBYEeee.xx

>> But to me you were perfect[/b][/font][/size][/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[{grayy !]

* don't let emotion stop you

Firepaw had seemed a bit shocked by what he'd said, but for once the gray tom bit his tongue as his friend decided to speak. "... Well, actually, there's a reason why I act that way around you," Wait... so there was an actual reason behind the twitchy stuff? "I, uh, don't know what it is, though... I get... nervous and jittery around you... But it's not the kind of nervousness I have around, say, an enemy. It's... pleasant. I don't know how to describe it... And, uh... as far as I know, I only feel that way around you, no one else... I think." This had Graypaw a little stunned. Giving a crooked frown, he sat up a bit straighter, his ear twitching slightly. "I-Is something wrong with me?"

The gray apprentice needed to try and think about this. It wasn't something he'd felt really, nor really knew about. Maybe Firepaw was sick after all? Or just... To be honest Graypaw just had no idea. "I don't think so, but maybe you're sick?" okay, so that wasn't helpful. Giving his best thoughtful look, he scratched at his ear quickly. "But I don't think that's the case. Maybe it's just some kind of... attachment or something? Like a deeper friendship bonding... or something." He wasn't good that this 'trying to figure stuff out' part, but he thought he wasn't doing too bad of a job. It was hard trying to think of possiblities. Giving a deep huffing sigh, he looked at Firepaw sideways.

"I don't know mate, but whatever it is, I'm sure it'll go away or become berable soon." Getting to his paws, the tom gave his pelt a hard shake. "C'mon, we've probably scared off all the prey here with our yelling, but I did tell Bluestar we were going out hunting, so we'll get in trouble if we don't come back with something." Graypaw let his deep amber gaze rest warmly on his ginger friend, a warm grin plastered across his face. The tom had so much in his head, but maybe for a bit he could forget it, if they were doing something they both needed to learn.

character: graypaw. words: 360.